Seriously can't find him anywhere. I assume he's fine, he's 8 now and is a man. He's also comically oversized at 5'9", 150 lbs. Good thing I have this #BodybyBourbon to command the alpha role in our house or I might be in trouble. But I don't want to lose sight of what brought us here today, I am not sure where my son is. He gets a little ornery sometimes and can be a mischievous little son of a bitch, so it'd probably be in my best interest to track down the little rascal before Mrs. Miracle gets home.
I know what you're thinking... #bourbon. Is he hittin' the bottle? He wouldn't dare, he knows the rules. It's either college or if he can kick my ass before he goes to college. This 6' 220 lb #BodybyBourbon will try to keep my laughter to a minimum as he continues to lift weights in our garage. Here's a photo for reference (please comment below if this boy has crossed your line of vision.
Yeah, I told him not to get that fucking haircut, but you know how they are at that age. The way I sees it, he could be a number of places. Let's break it down, together, and track down this twerp once and for all. I guess he could be...
Swimmin' a the ol' waterin' hole
Ah, the ol' waterin' hole. To some, it may just be a dirty snake-infested cesspool of algae, and they'd be right. But this place holds a special part in my heart of hearts; Mrs. Miracle and I used to go skinny dipping there when we were his age, and he's told me he's gotten laid there multiple times. A very viable option for his whereabouts, but it's almost October so I'm not convinced it's not completely frozen over.
Teethin' Lucky's Tattoo Parlor
My son is borderline obsessed with this place. He knows the rule, no ink visible outside of clothes until high school, but I'll be damned if every last penny of our welfare check seems to transform into ink on my son. Teethin' Willy is a standup guy though, he'd never ink a child after 8 pm and it's 8:30 my time. Seems improbable. Let's keep brainstorming, reader, you and me.
Lumber Liquidator's Closeout Sale
Wouldn't blame him. Those deals are insane and his winter project is redoing the floors in our entire house. Actually, that'd make me hella proud to know my boy is going out and getting killer #deals that will benefit the Miracle family as a whole. Alas, I was just there 30 minutes ago and didn't see the little bastard. Really there's only one other place he could be...
At this time I realized I don't have a son. I'm actually still in the parking lot at work and this woman has been staring at me, concerned, for the past 3 or so minutes.
I should probably go...
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