So if you're like me, you'll probably find yourself this Friday sipping on a 1-liter bottle of Four Roses with a buddy, watching The Weather Channel, and talking about how Yellowtail Tuna is an underrated seafood option. If you're really like me, then this is not the first Friday this has happened. Or will happen. It's essentially every Friday ever. But, right once the third of fourth swig kicks in, as predictable as ever, you and your friend start the same activity that begins every TWC commercial break: good old fashioned wrestling.
Shit, I can't think of a good buddy I ever had that wasn't wrastlin' with me from time to time. Male, female, whatever. There's nothing sexual about it, you pervs, it's all about form, technique, and physical domination. However, these are your friends, after all. Unspoken rules consist of the obvious; no piledrivers, no kissing with the tongue, and no playing opossum. But below I've decided to list a few of the rules you might not have known to be true when wrestling your friends.
#1: No boners
This is absolutely concrete rule that has no flexibility. Guys- no boners. Absolutely no boners. There are all different types of #boners , as us men know. Fear boners, adrenaline boners, horny boners, dominance boners. Keep all boners off the playing field at once if entering a sparring match with your buddy. It's an easy way to complicate a solid relationship and also is an automatic loss. DISCRETION ADVISED: it can also be an automatic win if you present it the right way, but that is for expert level friend-wrestlers only.
#2: Do not vomit in or around your opponent
This one seems obvious, but it's 100% worth saying. Most of the time when you start wrastlin', your belly is full of something. If you have a #BodybyBourbon, there's a good chance your tummy is sloshing some lukewarm, high-alcohol slop inside of it and going drunk couch potato to UFC champion in a few seconds can challenge a man (or woman)'s body in ways that can lead to intense perspiration, watery belches, the mouth sweats, and eventually vomiting. If you do indeed vomit, you'll lose your alpha status immediately and your face will be rubbed in it CineMax style in a matter of seconds. Keep it down and do what you came to do.
#3: Don't touch the boobs
Whatever you do. Just don't. It'll be very awkward. If you've made it this far in this article, you are like me and get in wrestling matches with your female friends any time you stumble upon a disagreement. It's the way of the land, it's nature, it's the way in which we were made. When wrestling a man, this is never an issue. It's all a blob of man you can grip onto to take down and claim your victory. When facing off against a female foe, however, you absolutely cannot touch the chest. Is this a handicap? It absolutely is. Is it fair? It absolutely isn't. But that's wrastlin' baby, and if you can't take the heat, she'll show you the way to the kitchen my man.
Got your own friend-wrestling stories? Think I missed a key tip above? Sound off in the comments and we can teach each other how to properly approach this amateur, yet important, victories.
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