Not every article is meant to be read. Especially this one. Do yourself a big solid and go smoke a cig. Melancholic. Because your time will be wasted by reading this article. You're still reading it, even though I told you not to, and it's not going to get any easier. Well, you insisted on it, let's get to the reasons:
It is really lengthy.
It's not even about anything.
You could be trying an Arnold Palmer Spiked, but instead you're reading this.
Siberian pirates without cell phones aren't reading anything right now. Yet, you're reading this.
The Vow on HBO is really, really good right now and a new ep just dropped a day or so ago. Why not watch that?
The pacing of this article is all over the place and you're better than reading swill like this.
Pretty sure Kate Middleton's Instagram page is still up? You could check out that.
I assume you're a bit overweight. Most of us are, especially at #BodyByBourbon. Why not take a walk?
Gordon Ramsey is looking jacked these days. Tons of those images to look at online instead...
Most articles are just a few points that aptly explain a stance, or at least have a point. This article has neither.
You probably have a friend with a nut allergy. You could learn how to understand their illness better, but you insist on continuing.
Even 50 points is overkill, but 67? There's no point in reading something like that.
Nothing is better than having a nice pair of slippers around the house as it gets colder. Want to make sure you're good in that department?
Paula Abdul's net worth is $30 million. You think she got there by reading articles like this?
Blogs are for dorks... shouldn't you be out getting laid?
You could be reading an actual good blog like Jeff's article about the kid with boobs on his calculator.
They might be watching you.
While you're here I'll give you one fact, Natural Light was the #8 best selling beer in America in 2019.
Nutella is gross. But you could be putting Nutella on something instead of reading this long ass article.
Well, tattoos are getting more widely accepted in professional settings. Why not check out Pinterest for some inspiration?
This article is just one list. Small intro paragraph on top. Hardly worth your time.
Fades are still cool. Check out a local barbershop instead of finishing this list!
You can't tell me that you wouldn't rather get a Crunchwrap Supreme instead of getting the whole way down to 67. If that's not true, I'm scared of you as a reader.
Where is Clive Owen from? I dunno. You could probably know instead of finishing this sentence.
Do you want to be a lion or a sheep? A lion would read another article... still on the site but not this one. Don't be a sheep!
They're definitely watching you.
I've even been trying to scare you out of reading this article. Is it... working?
Just don't turn around right now. Don't let them see you. If you close the tab, they're gone. Just close it.
Ham is a floppy lunch meat. Try flopping some around yourself in a home fun-spiriment!
You are a tough bird aren't you, huh? This article might help you find the way.
You can do this. You can finish this article. Get to the end. Focus.
Isn't it weird to think we used to use quills to write? And quills come from birds, so we used to write with birds. Bizarre to think about now.
You really should have pumpkin on your front deck or next to your door, it's fall baby! You could be picking up some of those.
If you live where I live (in an undisclosed location), New Balance is having a 40% off everything sale. Don't want to miss out on that.
XBox has made a huge comeback over quarantine. The Evil Within 2 is the scariest thing I've ever seen if you like that sort of nonsense.
Want to get a new look? Spend the time you still have left to get some colored contacts. Everyone loves a nice set of baby blues!
You're probably going to be a parent one day, congrats! Why not practice putting diapers on a watermelon!
Everyone loves soil. You could spend some time sitting in pots of soil so not only are you in nature, you are nature.
Change your passwords. Cyberterrorists are more common than ever and they want to check out your emails and read them out loud to each other over the phone. DON"T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU.
You could probably squish the face of your pet so they look even cuter. That would be a nice use of the time you've wasted here. Except if you have a fish or a lizard, in that case you would kill them.
Write a postcard home! This classic touch is bound to put a smile on the face of anyone you've left behind.
Peel a shrimp. Eventually, you'll be in a social setting where peeling a shrimp like a pro is imperative. Use this time to get your technique down!
Everyone needs some time to reflect. Think back to when one of your teachers hurt your feelings. Now imagine if they could see you now! …still reading this list :-]
Spread the love, buddy! If you stopped now you could call an ex and remind them you once loved each other.
Two words. Binary code. Close this. Learn it.
In the year 3054, we will have had over 200 presidents. Shocking to think... but do you even know all the past ones as of today? Put down the phone and pick up a book.
Remember the show Hey Arnold? And of course, Dino Spumoni? Yeah, you could imagine what a dinner with him would be like instead.
You could be grabbing a drink instead, obviously. I know bars are closed, but check out Dr. Rye's article on the 5 Best Bourbons Under $30 and pick something up at the store.
How many types of clouds are there? Hundreds? Cumulo-nimbus? You could've known in the time you read this article.
Ever been in the water? I bet if you have, you either swam or had to be saved from drowning. Pro Tip: you could've used this time to learn to swim.
What part of the pig is the "loin?" You'll never know without pulling out a pork map.
I'm pretty disappointed in you for making it this far.
Florence Welch is an incredible singer! Don't believe me? Stop reading now and load up her band on Spotify!
You could consider whitening your teeth. Only one way to find out though, instead of reading this article give yourself a grin in the mirror and ask yourself, "Is this how I want to make a first impression?"
Learn to make ganache. "Ma Gash!" they will scream. "You've made me a ganache!"
Dig as deep as you can. Physically, in the ground. Want to see how man or woman you really are? The deeper, the more mighty you are. Go, your future is waiting for you.
You might want to think of some cool band names instead of finishing this. Like, Read the Radio or Alpha Sector Uploading.
Poke the bear. Literally, metaphorically. There's always a bear, so poke it.
You have mere seconds of time left to save. Easy Mac is ready in minutes and can instantly make you feel better for wasting your time.
It's an article that's also a list. There, that's the secret. End now.
Adam Sandler has a variety of hilarious voices he does in his movies. Take this time to review some of your favorites, a killer impression is a great foot in the door!
The precious time you've wasted on this article so far could've been used convincing yourself to stop living in denial or stop living a lie.
You could learn about each state's cute little nickname. Wonder what Pennsylvania's is? "The Keystone State!" Learn the rest on your own.
Instead of reading this far, you definitely could've visited our store page where we don't actually sell anything, but can send you a fucking sticker.
You're about to reach enlightenment. Your hard work is going to pay off. You almost read the entire list. Bliss awaits you.
Surfing is one of the coolest activities to do while wearing a one-piece. Not too late to pick up the board and "hang loose" on the "swells!"
Listen to me, and listen very carefully. There are 67 reasons you shouldn't have read this article, but you did anyway. You must know patience, love, and empathy. My ice cold heart just melted a layer off, and now I am King.
I told you not to but you did. And that's what America is all about, baby! Happy Tuesday!
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