Or Skyler. But any version of Schuyler. This is your child. Your family. Your kin. Treat him with some respect. For this piece, I've gone undercover and gathered several Schuylers in my area, some older, some younger, and the results on their character are staggering. Save a life, don't name your son Schuyler. Check below for #BodybyBourbon's discoveries on #Schuyler both old, young, and everything in between.
Skylar Ferdinand
This Skylar is really feeling the pain from being named Skylar. A 7-year-old with the appetite of a Kodiak bear and the vicious glare of Scar from The Lion King, he is just enough of a handful for his parents to fear ascending the stairs to Skylar's playroom. His pets tend to die far before their biological clocks are done ticking, and he indeed challenges the strength of his stream in the public restroom by urinating as far from the urinal as possible. No stranger to a STAFF infection, Skylar has driven his parents to start drinking on Monday's. The sad truth is, they could've prevented all of this.
Schuyler Tanner-Bastewood
Schuyler Tanner-Bastewood. Lives with his roommate "Duster" when he's not at his girlfriend Carleigheigh's house. Personal training in training at his dad's Planet Fitness franchise. Made out with his best friend's paunchy mom in the garage at his parent's holiday party. Calls himself the "Master Baster." This Schuyler has been completely plagued by himself and is a poster boy for all that is his own name. He also has a plastic spoiler on the back of his 2015 Mitsubishi Galant and has a forearm tat stating "tHe uLTimATE YoU." This too could happen to your child. Heed my warnings!
Skilair "Dave" Baughenbrow
I was as intrigued as I was frightened to learn that Skilairs like this exist in this world. The oldest Skilair in the country just so happens to live in my county. I called him up saying I was from Eastern Mountain Sports and wanted to do an interview. He blabbed to me like a Big Mouth Billy Bass, of which he owns 6. He told me how he and his best friend Braxton wore matching fur-lined vests to the State Championship for long jumping, which they watched from the top bleachers togethery. They then jumped off the top bleacher together, forced to do so after a "jinxed" double-dog-dare. Skilair, inherently a bit more talk than walk, hesitated as his greatest ally Braxton fell to his death. Since then, Skilier's Skilier-ly antics of dumping fresh ricotta into urinals and taking his shirt off while working out on a playground have gone to the wayside. He's denownst his Skiliar designation and now goes by "Dave" around his house. He shouldn've met his maker that day, he told me. Skiliers aren't supposed to live to the twilight years.
Before you go ahead willy-nilly with your beautiful new baby, make sure to do the responsible thing and not name your kid Schuyler. There's just too much at stake, and mistakes could make the fake permeate.
Are YOU named Schuyler, or one of its variations? Tell us your horror stories in the comment section to be featured in another Schuyler awareness article.
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