Seriously though. I'm not entirely sure. Is this something all of my #BodyByBourbon #TripleBGang clan know?
Not my actual grandma. Photo for demonstration purposes only.
At a certain age, everything all just starts to sound "old." I don't even think I'll keep track after... 67? But if you're going to properly wish someone a Happy Birthday you should be able to make a crack about their age, something absolutely fucking hilarious like, "Grandma! 82 this year? I thought it was 28!" And then your aunt laughs so hard she has to take out her inhaler and your sister who is going ham sandwiches on the Utz potato chips coughs up a coagulated mess all over the side of the birthday cake. Then you laugh again and you hold your grandma by her head, one hand on each cheek, and tell her you love her.
At least that's how I picture other grandparent birthday parties happen. Mine feel like an awkward youth group brunch where no one wants to make eye contact and the food provided consists of 2 Costco pizzas and orange drink. Actually #orangedrink was pretty fire... are they still making that? I want one of the full gallons and have it with some Costco pizza right now. It was the life that was given to me and its made a profound impact on the man I am today.
Alright back to my grandma... the easiest bailout in the world is to call my parents and have them sigh and then give me the answer. JUST GIVE ME THE ANSWER! But do I really need to be disappointed in myself AND have my parents disappointed in me too? I know trees have rings around their inner trunk that tell you how old they are, which is quite amazing and I don't think the human equivalent has been discovered for that yet. I think the closest thing we have to that is teeth, and I'm pretty sure my grandma doesn't have any of them either.
This takes me to my grandpa. Back in the day, like the day everyone talks about, people got married when they were like 17. Or maybe 20... let's go with 20. Women tended to (I'M SAYING TENDED TO this is not anti-women, I like women better than men in most cases) get married younger with the man being perhaps 1 to 2 standard deviations above that 20. That means my grandpa got married when he was 24 (using science) and my grandma was most likely 19.
In July, I was at my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary party. I remember that because I came dressed as a 6, and my cousin a 0, and we absolutely crushed it with the 67+ crowd. Math time. 60 + 19 = 79. My grandma is 79, She'll be turning 80.
I'm not one to toot my own horn, but discovering grandma is 80 this year all on my own will be disgustingly embarrassing for the rest of my family who probably thought I forgot. That's why we got science, baby. Robot one more time.
Got any other cases for me to crack? Now that you know I've got the chops, contact us today or leave a comment if you're logged in or whatever and I'll make your simple, simple life even simpler.
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