Listen, we live in a world full of uncertainty. There's no guarantee when you lay your beautifully permed head down against the pillow tonight that you will wake up for another day of #2020 disaster, fear, disappointment, and illness. Happy #MondayMorning, by the way.
While we writers at #BodyByBourbon are huge "carpe diem" guys (matching tattoos along the spine to come) and try to live every day like it's 5:05pm on a Friday, there are some things in this world that scare the absolute piss out of us. In an effort for you to truly understand the men behind the masks, the heroes of the lumpy body, and the titans of typing tall tales, we've decided to break down what reduces us hairy men's-men into puddles of warm... piss...
Dr. Rye's Greatest Fear: Bees
Kind of pathetic right? As the man who is exploiting everyone's weaknesses on a #MondayMorningBlog, I have to be true to my audience to establish credibility moving forward. And that means admitting that I am a piggy-tail swirling little girl who will physically sprint in the opposite direction of a bumble bee, yellow jacket, wasp, hornet, you name it. Yes, I've been stung numerous times, and yes, it does hurt. Find me one person that says it doesn't hurt, I DARE YOU. But what really what gets me is the anticipation. The unknown. Is it behind my ear? Did I just trample on one, not enough to maim it but enough to ignite the suicidal rage within? Bees are literally willing to die just to get back at you for pissing them off, and that my friends, is the scariest thing on this planet.
Miracle Jeff's Greatest Fear: Burlington Coat Factory
For how strange our beloved, ski-mask-rocking #MiracleJeff can be, there is one thing about him that not everyone knows. The thing is, Jeff is an insane neat-freak. His apartment is spotless, he actually has a fully-stocked spice cabinet arranged by alphabetical order, and he could be a spokesperson for Swiffer Wet. That's why Jeff cannot set foot inside of a #BurlingtonCoatFactory. The sheer mess of things is bound to trigger one of his facial ticks and even if he gave into his urges to tidy up, the never ending dropping of clothes on the floor, sneezing on the phone accessories, and placing of XL pea coats in the S section presents a situation where he can never win. We've gone to #TJMaxx together and he got by, he's at heaven in #HomeGoods, buy boy does Burlington botch his brain. If you ever get Jeff a gift card, make sure it's #Amazon or something. Help keep our boy sane.
Angry Mike's Greatest Fear: Love
Our resident asshole Angry Mike fears nothing more than the most intimate feeling in the world: love. A man who would happily die alone, Mike finds "intimacy" by yelling at construction workers through open windows of his car in residential areas, stomping on beer and 7UP cans after they are drained, and reading the crime log to see if anyone he went to high school with got arrested for shoplifting. Connecting with people is... tough for Mike, and with a #BodyByBourbon like his, it would take one hell of a personality to dig himself out of the physically unattractive hole his late 20's have dug him into. His one and only girlfriend of all time was quoted describing said personality as "abrasive, thick-skulled, and contagiously cruel." Love isn't for everyone, Mike. Redirect that energy towards an Elijah Craig Single Barrel and keep being you, we'll love you anyway.
What's your greatest fear? Want to get #vulnerable with us? Leave a comment in the section below because you no longer have to sign in to leave a comment! Cheers, my people.
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