I can confidently speak for my fellow #BodybyBourbon writers when I say that, besides water AKA the lifeblood of all living creatures, we consume bourbon more than any other liquid. Whether it's my beloved $17 handle of Heaven Hill, a slightly more refined Evan Williams 100 Proof, or even the fabled Elijah Craig Single Barrel, we like to keep our liquors brown and our #bourbonbellies full and satisfied.
But let's have some fun here. I assume you're taking a dump and need to pass 2-3 minutes, and thanks to our parent company Potty Papers™ we are happy to bring you some mindless smut to pass between pushes. I surveyed my fellow writers after taking a deep look into my own soul while imagining a world without bourbon (all whiskey actually, for the purposes of this exercise). What exactly would I be consuming? Would I be 40 pounds lighter, a fitness guru, a pioneer of the clean living lifestyle? Not a chance in hell. In fact, I would be consuming...
Dr. Rye's Choice: Vodka Soda
Before you call me softer than 10-ply Charmin, give me a second to defend myself. I could stick with another brown liquor... (rum? no. Jager? I'm not 16) but there aren't any real viable options. That's why I defaulted to one of my summer go-to's. Assume it's 102 degrees outside and I'm sipping on some Knob Creek neat. I'd probably flatline in whatever public setting I'm in. A vodka soda with tons of ice, tons of vodka, and a splash of soda really isn't that bad. Throw a premium spirit like Ketel One in there and you got yourself a crushable option that'll get you where you need to go fast. Of course I'd rather have a bourbon lemonade, but in this dystopia we've formulated, even those are out of bounds.
Miracle Jeff's Choice: Brass Monkeys
It can sometimes be hard for me to tell when this fat fuck is being real or not, but Jeff responded in all seriousness saying that he would result to Brass Monkeys if God turned on us and wiped #bourbon and all #whiskey off the face of the planet. This nifty diagram I've included above says 1,000 words, and again, takes me back to the time when I was 16. You simply drink half of a 40 oz of your choice (mine would be Hurricane High Gravity for the record) and then fill the rest up with OJ or concentrate. It's as bad as it sounds and I'm guessing Jeff wouldn't have much time left on this earth if he consumed this at the same rate he takes down the brown stuff.
Angry Mike's Pick: Diet Coke
The only one of us to go full-on sober in protest is the stubborn pain-in-the-ass of the group, "Angry" Mike. Although I will admit that is not Mike pictured in the "reality" portion of the above meme, the quantity of Diet Coke in the photo is probably accurate to his daily consumption. The most disgusting part of all of this is that he routinely mixes in Old Grandad bourbon with Diet Coke, but then also drinks Diet Coke untainted. For me, once a mixer becomes a mixer, it stays a mixer. There's no coming back from that. That's why I'm a "no" when it comes to screwdrivers, and I can never drink Cherry Coke again after a year-long binge of Cherry Coke and Captain back in my school days.
Obviously, a world without bourbon is something none of us want to ever consider. But, if you absolutely had to, what would be your next drink of choice? Sound off in the comments below.
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