Remember what a cubicle is? For a lot of us still working from home, a cubicle is a deep and distant memory. I think I can remember it now... the daily wolf calendar, the dehydrated succulents, the phone receiver I picked up and put down when it rang, the charming Latina woman that sat next to me... yes, yes I can picture it now. But what happens when that oh-so-familiar bodily function comes to play during the work day? There are a few key pointers you can take from me that will help you get away with any flatulating workday follies.
Do's:
- DO fart and then leave the cubicle. If you're not there, there's no one to blame, right? A quick fart and depart method is destined to rid you of your digestion unrest without being caught red handed.
- DO cough, sneeze, and exercise other bodily functions during the fart. A sneeze or cough can add into the tonal disruption of the office and sound more of a respiratory attack rather then a beef in the boxers. REALLY desperate? Have a coworker about to enter your sacred domain? Dish out a burp after your beef. That will deter any self-respecting human from entering your area while your bodily systems are self-destructing.
- DO examine the smell for harshness. We all know some gas can be passed as a fishy lunch, a touch of BO (is that better? Sound off in the comments), or a batch of bad eggs drifting over from Karen's cube. But some is rank, there is no escape from its fury. If the batch is acceptable to be passed by with a bit of confidence, ride it out. Worst case is one of the three above. If it's rank, really rank, result to tip #1 and bail. You can't be caught with that smear on your hands.
Don'ts:
- DON'T lose your cool. There's always a chance an entrancing coworker could enter your space at any time, even after a blow of sin wind. Yes, they are probably smelling something. But nothing is more confusing than confidence in a time like this. A bright smile, even-toned face, and a relaxed, cool demeanor can do amazing things to the mind, even tricking the intruder into thinking it's all in their head.
- DON'T deal it if you know you're going to have to move your bowels in the near future. The risk is too big, dammit. Just don't risk a brisk trip out the front door of your building walking penguin-style to your 2012 Camry and taking a half day for a simple toot of the butt snoot (...). A smear in the underwear is sometimes something you can't come back from, and the job market is absolutely abysmal these days.
- DON'T blame it on someone else. If you're caught, turn it into a funny self-aware joke, tell him or her it's a medical condition, or just vomit on yourself. The worst thing you can do is pass the buck and create a smelly grudge between you and a coworker, passing hot gas back and forth, and I mean orally and fart. It's simply not worth it to bring the innocent into your wrong doing. Have some self respect my main man.
Have any other tips for making beef in the office? Let us know!
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